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Sunday, March 3, 2013

He Did Not Reject Me

I was watching General Conference when I heard the announcement about the mission age change, and I nearly lost my mind with excitement and texted my parents “I’M GOING ON A MISSION.” I stood motionless and silent in my Salt Lake apartment and thought the Lord was telling me directly to serve a full-time mission. My mind was made up and I was so excited.

Then...I prayed about it. As I prayed, letting the Lord know my plans, I realized I had completely forgotten to include Him in them. Finally, I broke down and asked if it was the right thing for me to do; suddenly, I lost all power to articulate... I couldn’t focus my thoughts. This was especially aggravating because I needed to tell Him all the reasons I should go on a mission before He gave me my answer. The only problem was, I couldn’t think straight long enough to remember them. I wrestled for an hour trying to tell Him how things were supposed to go. The ringing in my ears gave me a real headache and I decided it was time for a break--it wasn’t until this short reprieve that the term “stupor of thought” came to me.

Imagine my dismay.

How could the Lord tell me no? I was offering to serve Him! I was willing to give up all the things I had going for me here: my Musical Theatre Program, my scholarships, my job, my friends, Lake Powell! None of it made any sense. Later that very day I was grappling with my feelings when I remembered someone had mentioned Nauvoo to me earlier that month at a cast party at Chili’s. I whipped out my iPhone and Googled it on the spot. I realized the Lord didn’t specify no service missions and as they were still accepting audition videos for another month, the whole thing seemed very fortuitous.

Not unreasonably, following the catastrophe with my full-time mission decision, I was not about to do anything without a complete affirmation from the Lord. Since I didn’t feel conclusively that it was the right thing to do, I procrastinated making my video. I was waiting for some cosmic sign that it was my destiny to go to Nauvoo. Weeks came and went and I thought about it, but never made that video. The due date came and with some measure of dismay, I realized I hadn’t done a thing. I became truly distressed wondering why my normally motivated, hard-working self let this happen and felt no inclination to get it done. I was so afraid me not being moved to make that video meant I wasn’t meant to go to Nauvoo. I prayed, called my mom, read my Patriarchal Blessing, and to my dismay, I never found the words “Kirsten, thou shalt audition to be a Young Performance Missionary.”

What I did find was the promised blessing of “clarity of mind” and my track record of having made good life decisions in the past. When I looked at the situation rationally I realized I’d rather put in the work and keep the option open and let the Lord tell me where I’m supposed to be then forgo the opportunity because of fear. This realization came to me at 4 p.m. The tape was due at 5.

I ran to my friend’s house (who is not a member and could not figure out what I was auditioning for) and filmed in his basement, kneeling in the bathroom for my monologue because that was the only plain white wall I could find. I made the DVD on my laptop, prayed for a miracle and had my sweet sister and brother-in-law drive the DVD directly to Elder Wortley’s house around 8 that night. That was a miracle.

Since I rushed in that blasted tape, everything became smooth sailing. Everything happened quickly, I didn’t even have time to be nervous. Honestly nothing has ever felt more right. I look forward to Nauvoo every second of every day and continually look for ways to bring it up in conversation. I have a hard time remembering I’m not leaving for 2 months and realizing I have to plan for life after Nauvoo as well. I couldn’t be more ready to work and play and grow.

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