Then...I prayed about it. As I prayed, letting the Lord know
my plans, I realized I had completely forgotten to include Him in them.
Finally, I broke down and asked if it was the right thing for me to do;
suddenly, I lost all power to articulate... I couldn’t focus my thoughts. This
was especially aggravating because I needed to tell Him all the reasons I
should go on a mission before He gave me my answer. The only problem was, I
couldn’t think straight long enough to remember them. I wrestled for an hour
trying to tell Him how things were supposed to go. The ringing in my ears gave
me a real headache and I decided it was time for a break--it wasn’t until this
short reprieve that the term “stupor of thought” came to me.
Imagine my dismay.
How could the Lord tell me no? I was offering to serve Him!
I was willing to give up all the things I had going for me here: my Musical
Theatre Program, my scholarships, my job, my friends, Lake Powell! None of it
made any sense. Later that very day I was grappling with my feelings when I
remembered someone had mentioned Nauvoo to me earlier that month at a cast
party at Chili’s. I whipped out my iPhone and Googled it on the spot. I
realized the Lord didn’t specify no service missions and as they were still
accepting audition videos for another month, the whole thing seemed very
fortuitous.
Not unreasonably, following the catastrophe with my
full-time mission decision, I was not about to do anything without a complete
affirmation from the Lord. Since I didn’t feel conclusively that it was the
right thing to do, I procrastinated making my video. I was waiting for some
cosmic sign that it was my destiny to go to Nauvoo. Weeks came and went and I
thought about it, but never made that video. The due date came and with some
measure of dismay, I realized I hadn’t done a thing. I became truly distressed
wondering why my normally motivated, hard-working self let this happen and felt
no inclination to get it done. I was so afraid me not being moved to make that
video meant I wasn’t meant to go to Nauvoo. I prayed, called my mom, read my
Patriarchal Blessing, and to my dismay, I never found the words “Kirsten, thou
shalt audition to be a Young Performance Missionary.”
What I did find was the promised blessing of “clarity of
mind” and my track record of having made good life decisions in the past. When
I looked at the situation rationally I realized I’d rather put in the work and
keep the option open and let the Lord tell me where I’m supposed to be then
forgo the opportunity because of fear. This realization came to me at 4 p.m.
The tape was due at 5.
I ran to my friend’s house (who is not a member and could
not figure out what I was auditioning for) and filmed in his basement, kneeling
in the bathroom for my monologue because that was the only plain white wall I
could find. I made the DVD on my laptop, prayed for a miracle and had my sweet
sister and brother-in-law drive the DVD directly to Elder Wortley’s house
around 8 that night. That was a miracle.
Since I rushed in that blasted tape, everything became
smooth sailing. Everything happened quickly, I didn’t even have time to be
nervous. Honestly nothing has ever felt more right. I look forward to Nauvoo
every second of every day and continually look for ways to bring it up in
conversation. I have a hard time remembering I’m not leaving for 2 months and
realizing I have to plan for life after Nauvoo as well. I couldn’t be more
ready to work and play and grow.
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