This week, I got more violently sick than I have been in a very long time. ....Let me tell you about it.
So, just previously, I had been worried about all the different sicknesses that were causing various sisters to drop out of performances for a day or two. I had been reading a lot about faith and obedience, and every part of me believes that if the Lord has called you to do something, you can do it, no matter what seems to make it impossible at the moment. I had also been feeling fairly ill, and Elder Wortley told me that if I ever wasn't feeling up to it, I could tell him, and they'd arrange to plan to perform without me. But there was no way I could do that! This is different from a normal theatrical production! I have been called to be on stage and perform these shows and relay this message for Him. I knew that no matter how nauseous I felt, I could get up there and dance, because it wasn't just my own natural strength I would rely on. I was worried that perhaps we as a group were not getting the message strongly enough that we could push through anything to perform, because the Lord asked us to.
Well, the next day, early in the morning, I found myself puking (I won't tell you where I threw up first, it was embarrassing) in a succession of purges that just refused to stop. I was in the bathroom at home the whole time the rest of my cast was out walking the streets doing Nauvoo Singers. I found myself unconscious, and I awoke just in time to make it to call time for High Hopes and River Boats. Now was my time to prove to the Lord that I really believed all those things I had been pondering the past couple days. I honestly couldn't imagine myself on the stage, but I knew that I had been called to be there. I was ready to step on that stage and brace myself for whatever miracle might occur. When I got there and watched everyone preparing for the show, I just kept feeling worse and worse. I was paling at the idea of getting up and putting my costume on. Sister Camp came and talked with me for a little bit and told me that I needed to make a decision fast. I decided to go pray about it.
Well, I should have done that from the beginning, because after a good ten-minute wrestle with the Lord, I got a definite commandment to go back home. While I was confused because I felt like He had first and foremost called me to be on stage, I also knew that what He had now asked of me was to go home and rest and let the other missionaries do what they needed to do without me. So I went home. And I slept the rest of the day.
I have learned so much from that experience. First of all, that I need to be in constant communication with my Heavenly Father, particularly about His desires for my day-to-day actions, even if I think that--by virtue of my set calling--I already know what He wants me to do.
But more so, I learned about Zion. I learned that when we allow our hearts to become knit together as one (all being knit to the same heart: the Savior's), He can form us into a single unit, all working together perfectly, like a Swiss Time Piece. The thing is, because it is directed and managed by God Himself, if a spring falls out, He manages to get a gear to do the spring's job too until the spring is back. In a Zionistic community, we are not the same. We will not have the same strengths or talents or knowledge, but it will not matter. We do not have to be the same to be one. I have learned that in the fallen world we live in today, it is necessary to say as Nephi said,
"I will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for I know that the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which He commandeth them."
However, once we can come together as Saints of God, He is able to change the very way we work and live, and instead we can have the relief of saying,
"We will go and do the things which the Lord hath commanded, for we know that the Lord giveth no commandment unto the children of men, save He shall prepare a way for them that they may accomplish the thing which He commandeth them."
I know that so much of the reason that Christ's "yoke is easy, and [His] burden is light" is because it is no longer a load that is lifted alone. We all do it. Together.
I have great faith in the Lord, and that I can rely on Him through any of my trials. This week He has taught me that part of relying on Him is being willing to be just as reliant on His servants.
I am grateful to know that there are so many of those servants all around me. I will do all I can every day to be one of them.
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